The rise of the warrior after a year of polarity.
Spiritual Death and Rebirth
2022 was a year of multiple deaths and rebirths.
Life changing events took place, some that I had been dreaming about my entire life, and others were some I didn't even know I held fears around, my entire life and lineage.
January was just the taste, as it was a bridge into the beginning of my Shamanic training. At the same time I was packing to take my first trip overseas to Finland, where I would be traveling alone. Excitement and fear meshed together beautifully, until fear started to win the closer it came to my departure. My body responded with an ovarian cyst burst days before my trip, it was my first initiation into the shamanic path, can I be a warrior through this?
At this point in time, I had no idea if the warrior inside of me was still there after years of forgetting her. I was consumed with trying to find my true place in the spiritual community and how I really wanted to be of service - Who am I? Was a big question I was facing.
In February I returned home, rejuvenated and buzzing from Finland as I was beginning to integrate all the activations that happened on the land and within the first month of our apprenticeship. My teachers were so wise, and I hoped to one day see how I could find my place in the shamanic world and awaken the ancestors.
A Change on the Horizon
The next few months felt so quiet, my guides were shifting, my medicine was shifting, yet there were no words to describe the changes so I remained curious but also confused. In the midst of this alchemy, my partner proposed on our first trip to Colorado. For a long time, this was the only “certain” thing I could see on my path. Him, our future, and the new plans we were carving together into the rocky mountains. Everything else felt like I was starting to lose control, the prosperity of my business, my time spent doing my life's work, my voice, my body, my creativity, my security.
It was strange to have such a joyous once in a lifetime moment while I began to watch everything I built begin to slip from grasp, especially when It brought me so much joy the years leading up to this new chapter. Spirit was making space for me where I didn't know I needed to truly learn who I could be as a Shaman. It caused a lot of contraction as I obsessively tried to hold onto the safety of the past. I wanted to be fulfilled in ALL areas, and not feel like I was sacrificing others. Now I know this wasn't a sacrifice, but an offering to refocus and get more intimate with what I truly needed vs. wanted for myself and the commitments to my family.
My teachers helped me see through a new lens that what I was experiencing was the beginning of my “shamanic death” and this feeling would not last forever. As we entered July and August, I was approaching the halfway point of my training, the fog felt like it was beginning to clear. I knew who I was way more than I truly did the past 5-10 years. The more I authentically stepped out in this light, the more I felt other people could truly see me too, which was a relief. I saw the beauty of shedding and embodied it fully. I unexpectedly had another ovarian cyst burst, but this time showed me I was more of myself to handle it now.
Moving On
September came, and we followed our calling to move across the country from Florida and build our next chapter in Colorado. Things began to feel liminal again, but in a different way, because with this change I felt little resistance. Colorado was ready for us with open arms as we embarked on our long journey. I started to let go more freely and accept where spirit was clearly showing me I was headed in the right direction, instead of trying to plan or control my outcomes like before.
Just a week after arriving at our new home, and living in a chaotic lifestyle filled with misplaced boxes It was time for me to embark on another solo trip, but this time to Ireland. This trip I would be meeting my shamanic clan and teachers who have guided and held me through the highs and lows of this year. Right before I needed to step on the plane, reminiscent fears resurfaced and processed through my body again, but this time I knew how to accept and receive support.
I arrived on land and began my training, the warrior within me was called out - and she arrived with no hesitation. I walked the land, knowing who I was and learned why I was here, with the same uncertainty I was facing in spring waiting for me at home. This time I knew, giving up was not in my future, the warrior and my shamanic guides who I grew even closer to would not allow that to happen. I grew to understand the many ways in which I fought for others, my pride, my attachments, but in many ways forgot how to fight for myself and the sacredness of my energy and power. It was here I chose to end that cycle.
When I came back home, I picked up my sword and began swinging. I found people and places to embrace that I believed could align with my visions which had been rebirthed, I took a new stance and held on while the waves who were still there continued to rock me. As a skilled sailor and warrior, I would not allow myself to sink again so I continued to work hard to secure my footing. Volunteering, sharing new services, building my new home, exploring my new identity and voice. I charged ahead into the essence of the warrior I was still integrating, trying to “think” like the warrior instead of allowing myself to just “be” her naturally.
a New Direction
Then December came, and we were hit with a devastating week. Receiving news of the declining health of a beloved family member, sharing a traumatic experience with my beloved child and dog Storm, and seeing the true nature and sustainability of some of the commitments I had made. The lessons I learned in this short period of time, discernment of what surrender and “giving up” mean to me, divine timing, and receiving the nourishment and care I truly need on a much deeper level.
None of my attempts were wrong, they were all here for my growth as a Shaman. To live the struggles that many of my clients have or would face, to experience the destruction of control and the medicine of patience, to experience the ways spirit was here to show me my strengths and weaknesses, to know myself and relive the rise of the warrior who showed up for me when I was a child.
It was much easier to reflect on this year and allow the deaths, the stings, the tears, and growing pains to overshadow the actual healing and blissful moments that took place. Though the flames my inner warrior has risen with will continue to illuminate all that I am eternally grateful for this year. My now Fiancé and husband to be Dieter, our new home in Colorado, and the strength and knowledge I have earned through my Shamanic path.
